an Invitation to an Open Tryout

let it be known that im holding an open tryout...

Entrants must have own skates, helmet, pads and have Zero concern for Self-Preservation...
im looking for only the Strongest, the Fastest and the Best here... so the Weakest, Slowest and Not-Best need not apply!
what is the Prize for this Amazing opportunity you may be wondering? well, there is no Prize. but let me be clear: there is more Glory at stake than eating Steak, more Grandeur than you can be Delusional about and a chance to have more Pride than a Dwarf among Midgets... in a contest more Ridiculous than a grown man with a Mohawk!

and I give you Crashed Ice

Tryouts start promptly at Midnight on the steepest hill in your town...

~Life is Short, Get into it~

Cough, Cough, Cough

its seems that every day there is a different person on the bus with either a cold or the flu...

they always end up sitting near me and then they begin coughing their germs right on me... you filthy Animals, Cover your Mouths when you are hacking up LungButter in Public! if you are that sick, please stay home, i really dont want what you have...

the guy today started up what sounded like a fake cough, then exited the bus, folded his hands behind him, leaned over at the waist and commenced to drop a continuous line of drool during his coughing fit... i got a great look at this string of Grotesque because the bus was at that stop for what seemed like an Eternity... the whole time the drool is glistening in the Sunlight... and the longer we were there, the more this guy convulsed and the more he shook, the more he drooled... i wasnt sure if i should vomit or call 911... finally, the bus departs and the Drooler is left to his devices in a cloud of exhaust!

it went a little like this (minus the whole smoking thing)

man, i hate the bus!

~Life is Short, Get into it~

Holy $hit Brett!

i just came across this and figured you would laugh as hard as i did at it! get some headphones or turn down the speakers...

~life is short, skip the crab legs~

The New Style

sorry for delay, got the flu saturday night and it hurt to type...

full of flu medication and staring at my 6day-unshaven-self in the mirror the other afternoon, i realize that the next morning i have to head back to work. going to work means i have to shave. i hate shaving. double that when im sick. i wonder what i can do to lift my spirits, if anything?

heres what i started with...

keeping my eyes open has drained most of my energy... im starting to get a little dizzy, im gonna just sit down for a bit before i use a sharp razor on myself....... sorry, passed out and just woke up on the bathroom floor 2hrs later with the Epiphany that might change my grooming habits from now on! it seems so elemental, so simple and im shocked that noone has documented this yet... not sure how the Bosses will react to it... hopefully the same way they did when i was sporting quite the fashionable Amish ChinStrap...

i hearby dub thee, the Outline Beard:

~life is short, Shave between the Lines~

New Years and the SweaterVestDancer

this is a followup to Mirror Image, check that out first so you have some background...

went down to CT with a bunch of friends to celebrate the New Year at a club and we were treated to live music, dinner and open bar till 9pm. it was an amazing evening…

since we had a large group, a table was reserved and it became HomeBase for the evening. once again, we have a fantastic place to enjoy the show... table near the stage, alot of laughs and some serious hording of free drinks by the wife from private bar! the Show starts promptly and people start flooding into the room. we hold our ground with some serious boxing out of the Others... after a few songs, theres a Rumble building around the table, apparently there is someone dancing ridiculously near the stage... a friend recognizes the guy and points out his finding to me and as i turn back towards the stage, the crowd parts just right and i have a clear view of this guy… you guessed it, its the Dancer... he is in a snazzy SweaterVest tonight and still flailing about just as wildly as before...

one of our group is also a Mocker of Bad Dancing and so he wants to get right into the Fun... i like his enthusiasm but i tell him to relax and that its early yet! this confuses my friend and he persists “lets go get him right now” so i develop a plan of action: send the Mocker over first, while i scout from afar, then i will make my move alone and later we would combine to devastate him together to finish it up... my friend objects so i flash my camera in his eyes to diffuse the situation, this starts a Camera-Flash Dance-Fight with him for a minute or so... having won that, i regain focus and continue to enjoy the show... after a couple more songs, i realize there is some disappointment regarding my decision to not immediately head over there and rectify this Situation with some Mocking... instead of enjoying the music and the company of my friends, i briefly head into the fray and acquire the Target...

photo recon acquired, i head back to the HomeBase to begin analyzing his Style… it consists of dance moves such as Washing the Window, a DoubleSpin to DeepKneeBend and something that looks quite similar to Yosemite Sam’s Wide-Legged-Rootin-Tootin-Dance… this guy had really stepped his game up a notch since our last encounter. the 1st set ends, the room we are in has cleared out significantly, we continue our festivities, so many pictures, big smiles and wonderful people... its during this time that i lose sight of SweaterVestDancer, i figure he is in the other room dancing ridiculously to another band that is playing…

our evening continues and eventually the music starts up again in the room we are in. this time, we all press forward towards the stage and end up on the rightside of it. to my immediate right, the SweaterVestDancer and his chick… they have effectively occupied 5 spaces of dance room, her in 1 and he, taking up 4 spaces… i decide that texting a few longtime and seldom-seen buddies is more important than a serious MockDance Session… im just grooving to the beat and letting out some Lil Jon “yeah”s between texts when theres a tug on my jacket sleeve. i turn and see the SVD’s chick, the music is loud so i bend down and hear her say this: “i remember You from the last time, i don’t want you to make fun of him tonight and ruin this show for us” and all I could muster after many trips to the pooltable champagne serving stations: “Happy New Year”

sidestory~ went to an allmans show over the summer and was subject of confrontation there... a guy sitting in seats behind us didn’t like that we were dancing during the show because he couldn’t see the show since he was Sitting… he makes this known to us early on, we reluctantly comply and sit for awhile... as the show progresses, more good songs come on and we get dancing again… he tells the group of us to move to open seats in the next row if we want to dance, i offer him the same opportunity… i leave the area and return later to hear that the guys wife is trying to play nice to get us to move. she pulls me close and sweetly tries to convince me to move the group over… i promptly tell her that we are at a concert and if he isn’t happy with his seat, he is welcome to move to the next row over or stand up and dance… she scowls at me and sits far back in her seat… after a few more songs, he reaches out and grabs my shirttail in an effort to drag me down into my seat… i spin around, knock his hand away and calmly ask him: please don’t put your hands on me again…then proceeded to dance fight for the rest of the show... i tell you that to explain my thoughts and why i Mock: if youre at a show, you Dance… my Issue here is with Type of dancing, especially in restricted spacing, Dont Monopolize what little space there is~

im pretty upset that i dont have something better to report ie. a friend tells me my response should have gone something like this: im flattered that you remembered me but your boyfriends unforgettable! and jumped on the Mocking Train right there… i agree with him but theres only so much you can do in a day and hindsight is 20/20…

so with these ideas expressed and with the wife is on top of her game, she pressed the record on our camera and captured 22 seconds of this so-called Dancing. its dark, grainy and sideways but i believe this clip accurately depicts what not to do at a crowded show! wonder if i will ever get another shot someday? who knows but in the meantime, i give you the SweaterVestDancer…

~Life is Short, Get into it~